For years, I traveled down the unpredictably winding path of seeking freedom at the intersection of entrepreneurship, enlightenment and enchantment. That's why I became a freedompreneur, a (recovered) self-development junkie and a globetrotting nomad.
Lately, I've been wondering, "Do I really want to be enlightened?" Do you? To become enlightened is to become the light.
Do you know what light is? It's chaos and destruction, it's everything and nothing, depending on the observer. Can you handle being everything? Can you dissolve into nothingness and not exist?
Have you ever experienced being the light, traveling at such warp speed that you vomit your body weight in every direction, as if stuck on a never ending roller coaster? I have.
Have you ever experienced being an atom within a detonated atomic bomb (classical physics), then vanishing into nothingness as light does (quantum physic), as if you don't exist anymore? I have.
Yeah... I'm not sure I want to be the light anymore. I'm not sure I want to be enlightened anymore. Light hurts. Being light hurts like a mofo!! I miss being wildly un-politically correct with my dad (who passed away a few years ago). He said THE most inappropriate things and we laughed. I learned from him the permission to say THE most inappropriate things too and I laughed. I miss him.
My First Awakening
So why, oh why, do I keep reading 1-3 books a week, investing over $100,000 in self-development, meditating and talking myself off the ledge every single day, and stretching outside my comfort zone every single minute of every single day?
Because there's no going back to sleep after awakening.
Gosh, I remember my first awakening vividly, viscerally, like it happened 30 seconds ago. I remember sitting on my sage colored sheets. I remember leaning against big fluffy pillows, embroidered with green vines. I remember the beam of afternoon sun peering through the chocolate velvet curtains that I custom made. I remember the dust particles waltzing in the air. I remember it all.
So the night before, soul sister A invited me and an ex to her home for dinner. The following day, she called to say, "I know we haven't known each other for very long, but there's something I need to tell you. I might lose your friendship over this, I hope not, but this is important."
I’ve always been an open person (too open, even, to a fault :S). Soul sister A said that during pillow talk, her husband asked, “Who is this fool? Is he for real?” He was referring to the ex. She shared that every time her husband asked the ex about current and future plans, as in "your guy's (plural) plans", he'd answer with, "Me, me, me, I, I, I." Never once did he mention me, not a single time. Never once did he toss in a generic "we'll see what the missus says."
This ex was someone I molded and shaped into the amazing person he turned out to be. I gave up my thriving career and moved halfway around the world for us and for his career advancement. I made the classic, CLASSIC mistake of thinking that I, Miss Globetrotting Heart-of-Service Overachiever, would be happy as a trailing spouse. Hahaha, so cute, so naive, so innocent.
Back to soul sister A's phone call, in a flash, I saw a film strip roll near my left temple. It showed me at warp speed every scene of my future life with Mr. Narcissist. I only caught a few snapshots: I was 41, menopausal, shriveled up inside and haggard out, a single mom, raising our kid (whom I didn’t really want but had because HE wanted one) AND a toxic ex-husband.
Not Knowing I was An Empath or Claircognizant
Before that moment, I had never had ANY contact with the spiritual real. Never even knew I had a soul!
I said to soul sister A, “Thank you for telling me this. I have to go. I’m ok. I’ll call you.” I hung up the phone, bought a one-way ticket home, packed all my things (yay for being a minimalist so packing only took a day), gave him his ring back and left.
I walked out my chin held high, no pro/con list, no second guessing, no talking it out with a girlfriend, no inner dilemma, no tormenting myself with indecision and self-doubt, no guilt, no regret, no “sugar and spice and everything nice” giving him a second chance, no delusional naivety thinking he could change or I could fix him. I just knew. I just knew he was the greatest bullet I ever dodged. My soul could have died in his hands. But I chose to live. I chose to walk away.
It would be a year later until I stumbled upon the term narcissist: an exceptionally self-absorbed person, incapable of empathy, manipulating others to cater to selfish agenda of grandiosity, admiration, and special treatment. My body trembled in recognition when I read the traits, "OMG that's EXACTLY him!!! A narcissist!!
And it'd be ANOTHER decade before I'd discover that I was/am claircognizant, ie able to intrinsically know the truth without evidence leading to that truth. When I look back, I'm surprised I wasn't more rattled. I mean, one soul sister from sewing club, a few weeks of friendship, one dinner at her home, one brave phone call, a spiritual awakening and the purity of certainty to unravel every strand of life as I knew it!!! I changed countries, home, phone number, work, friends, community, hobbies, an albeit narcissistic partner who I thought was my best friend and confidant, the bills in my wallet were a different currency overnight, the plugs on my electronics all needed new adapters or power converters. And yet, I've never been so clear and so sure in my life until that point!
Given that I’ve never had an encounter with the divine, I’m surprised how unrattled I was. I guess that's the all consuming power of awakening. It's like an earthquake that you can never go back to sleep from.
People often ask me now how I have so much free time and means to live wherever the sun and sea beckon me. I often have the urge to reply, "It's because I didn't marry that narcissist." Can you imagine the cataclysmic financial losses, emotional f*ckery, and soul siphoning I would have endured had I married him?!?
I thrive now BECAUSE I left him, because I protected my financial assets, because I sheltered my creative juices for creating residual income streams, because I rescued my heart from evil. He would have cost me dearly, beyond the time and money that I’d never get back. Talk about dodging THE biggest bullet of my life!!
For a Season, a Reason or a Lifetime
The interesting things is... after that fateful phone call, soul sister A and were never in touch again. I'm masterful at keeping in touch with my besties and soul sisters. I tracked her down once to have a Skype chat. But somehow, beyond her sacred role in course correcting my road to hell, there was no pull, no circumstance, no thread to keep us connected.
We were complete. My god, it's true what they say about people coming into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. Mr. Narcissist was a season, soul sister A was a reason, neither were meant to stay for a lifetime. Woah, it's like I had just been unplugged from the Matrix like Neil. Angels do exist!
What woke you up?
1,000 Reclamations for Freedom
💎 Reclaimed my spiritual awakening
💎 Reclaimed soul sister A
💎 Reclaimed my unlimited empath kindness
💎 Reclaimed my claircognizance
💎 Reclaimed my dignity